I will die if light touches me.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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