I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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