Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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