He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pants are for mortals
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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