Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
