I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
