tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
