i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
