My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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