God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im part way to drunk.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize