we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
