I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
