Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I forget how to act sober
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