he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
