it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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