I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
