Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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