That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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