I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
