If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
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TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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