someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
