I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
