East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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