Girls should come with a carfax report
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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