I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
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you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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