I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
