YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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