Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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