I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
