my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
