I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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