bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
