I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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