capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
