If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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