My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
