Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
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My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize