It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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