I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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