Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
