If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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