you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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