i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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