I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
