Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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