So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
