Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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