i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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