ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
