what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
