I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
