he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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