On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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